at the beginning your body,
your mind, your spirit,
do not believe what has happened.
your brain, especially, tries to understand,
tries to make sense of what seems to be,
and———-
if anything is accepted, if anything is explained,
it is all temporary. it is very, very temporary.
things will change
soon——
all things will become as they were,
will revert back and become the same,
become healed.
as you move in and out of consciousness,
small islands of anguish begin to grow, to flourish
like points of poison,
very gradually your entire body becomes pure pain,
becomes dark torture, inside
everything is screaming, outside
you are becoming a planet of punishing pain.
you hear a voice break through
into an unearthly scream,
the scream is yours,
it seems endless, you are crying aloud for death,
you can’t possibly be alive in such condition:
“give me a gun, shoot me, shoot me.”
and then you fall into another unconscious abyss.
your screams continue as you move in and out
of the threshold of punishment.
people occasionally stop at your bedside
to administer more numbness
to adjust equipment.
at last your body gives in to a soothing swoon,
to a level of silence.
you disappear into the cruel howl of night.


an angel with pure brown skin
begins to bathe your body,
her humming voice is an ethereal lotion.
she travels inside and outside with healing light.
i begin to believe that i might breathe again.
her wings extend their full span,
light from her expansive aura
travels through all parts of my body.
injured sections feel as though they melted
into softness.
i didn’t meditate her into existence,
she responded to something far beyond me.
in the early morning i didn’t know if it was a dream
or someone sent to me for the ongoing trial.